It has been an interesting week. Kobie, in her first year of softball, was recruited to the all stars team. Cool. The coaches explained, "This is the NOT FUN part of league play"... they weren't kidding. The 10 year olds have had practice EVERYDAY for 2 weeks except weekends. The final practice WAS fun... parents against the team (I hear you laughing, but I held my own... played 1st base with no errors and at my only "at bat" I hit a single!). At the beginning of the game I hear the coach telling the girls, "Okay team... you need to play HARD... all stars is about winning- not just having fun, but winning!" There was a pause, then a confused voice echoed over the field stating, "well that's just SAD." Yep... that's my girl: Kobie. The coach said, "IT ISN'T SAD- IT IS LIFE! WE ARE GOING IN ORDER TO WIN!"
I've been struggling with this ever since. For those curious, the series is over and Kobie's team placed second. They were clobbered in the final game- literally left in pieces on the field. She cried, and my stomach hurt. Is life really about winning? Must we really think of these situations as a "them or us"? As parents in the stands, most of us were just excited when our kids hit a ball, or fielded a grounder... did it really matter if they won? It mattered to Kobie. She's been taught that winning isn't important as long as you try your best, are kind to others and try to have fun... and still, this loss mattered to her. She was the one to question the coach at the beginning of the madness... she knew we didn't expect a win "or else"... and yet she was embarrassed and disappointed in the loss.
I'm left wondering about our choices as parents and humans to focus on the win. Maybe it is more a part of our instinct than I choose to believe... maybe it is such an inherent part of our culture it is inescapable... maybe it is time to rethink a world where in order for someone to win, someone else must lose.
"maybe it is time to rethink a world where in order for someone to win, someone else must lose."
ReplyDeleteThiiiiis is the school of thought that has resulted in a generation that believes they are the best and greatest at everything they do, because they have never been ALLOWED to fail and lose. Parents and schools coddle them at cost to the real winners. Some schools across America no longer have recognition programs of any kind because the students who aren't awarded might get their little feelings hurt... Losing is part of life, perhaps more often than winning; we have to learn to deal with it. You know, it's sad, yeah, but I firmly believe failing is a gigantic part of gaining maturity...
Though I get what you're saying about the parents or coach or whatever focusing just on the win, not the fun and learning. It's a fine balance, really. Ideally, kids would be taught, "You should always try your very best, but if someone else is better, congratulate and admire them, use them as incentive to try even harder, and forgive yourself while embracing the things you've learned."
M- your point is exactly why I feel like I am struggling on this... I've been of the mindset that the capitalistic focus on "top dog" has poisoned the beauty of humanity... yet, in watching Kobie crumble last night, I wondered how important it is that she understand how to deal with losing. My soul cries out for something to motivate our behavior other than a "win" though. I agree with what you are saying, but I feel unwilling to accept the premise that we've simply got to deal with it this way. Kids need to know how to work hard and how to be recognized for their achievements, but they must also know how to accept failure. I simply want more options than the one currently in place...
ReplyDeleteAnd you bring me to my current point of frustration. Am thrilled to be working as a liasion NOC Assistant for the upcoming Singapore Youth Olympics.
ReplyDeleteOn 14 August 2010, Singapore will unveil the world's inaugural Youth Olympic Games. The Youth Olympic Games is the first new Games the Olympic Movement has created in 80 years.
Through the Games, Singapore 2010 aims to involve the youth of the world and inspire them through an integrated sport, culture and education experience, to embrace, embody and express the Olympic values of Excellence, Friendship and Respect. Singapore 2010 also hopes to inspire true sportsmanship among youths, and promote understanding and harmony among communities and with other nations.
The 2010 YOG isn’t just about sporting events and winning medals; it’s also about being socially responsible! The environment is an essential and integral part of the Youth Olympic Games too!
And yet despite my emailing and mailing to publications and media services throughout the United States - I have received no contact back.... and yet find this to be what "should" be happening with our youth. I find it very frustrating that something of this positive nature is going unnoticed in the United States.
Or maybe…..we should not take the whole thing so seriously or at least not look at winning and losing from such a extreme viewpoint. How about instead of teaching our kids that “winning isn't important”…that we just simply teach them that winning isn’t the most important thing. We can teach them about what is important (working hard, having fun, learning, being kind, being a good teammate etc). It would be nice to have coaches who support this objective, but it is really not their job in the short time they are with our kids. It is up to us as parents. I also think it is important to remember that youth leagues that offer an all-star option do so to allow a higher level of competition. This benefits the kids and allows them to compete with others at a similar skill level and grow as athletes. The competitiveness comes with the territory. Nobody has to participate in all-stars.
ReplyDeleteMy son Ben (12 yrs) plays at the club level in two sports. It is all about competing, growing as an athlete, and yes…winning. The goal of his coaches is to help the kids become better athletes and build teams that can compete at this level. The kids that do not find some enjoyment in this usually do not last very long. It is my job as his dad to make sure he has balance in his life and understands that there is much more to life than sports and winning. He may decide that he no longer wants to participate in sports tomorrow…but I am confident that the lessons he’s learned in sports will benefit him in anything he does. Some of those lessons have only been learned through winning and loosing and how he has responded to both.
I think that it shows a wonderful balance that Kobie questioned the coaches viewpoint on competition but still was saddened and disappointed in the loss. It shows that she understands the lessons you have taught but is still driven by success in a competitive environment. I would embrace and encourage both aspects of her personality.