I'm back... time to get some thoughts down...

It's summertime officially in the land of Kelly... time for sleeping in, home projects, good meals, and so much more. This summer, however, I'm realizing how long it has been since I've blogged, and what an interesting concept it is to publish one's thoughts for the world to read. Honestly, as I get older and more introspective, I feel I have fewer answers but greater compassion and serenity in my world. With each grey hair, I find I need fewer "absolutes" and answers but instead could use longer arms to welcome the unexpected and unanswerable into my life. (If you are still reading at this point, it is likely you know me well enough to wonder what the crap I'm going to say next...you also probably realize it could be anything from funny to insightful, to a complete waste of time!)

So... for now, this is nothing more than the "announcement" that I plan to put some time into the Dragonfly Chronicles again... it has been a few years... but the thoughts, stories and adventures of this mama-teacher-wife-klutz are about to be spilled again! Stay tuned...

"Obama Stole My Homework!"- Ebola, Robin Williams, ISIS and the canyons between us...

I have been having too much fun with my family to blog for the last week (plus)... but the time has come. I'm never quite sure what I'm going to write about, then it seems as if something hits me in the face, and I have to get it out. So what, you might ask, has viciously attacked my face and forced me to write today? Ebola? Ferguson? Robin Williams? Syria? ISIS? Obama? Well, all of them, I guess... but more importantly what I'm seeing as our reactions to all of them.

This isn't going to be a blog about how you SHOULD react to crisis and whatnot... instead, it is simply an observation of how people do seem to react. On Facebook right now, my news feed is filled with reactions to Robin Williams' death. Personally, I'm sad about his loss: I show The Dead Poets' Society to my seniors almost every year, and have grown a strange attachment to his character. He has inspired me, and I am saddened to think of his personal pain and struggle. Although my family has experienced suicide very directly, I cannot claim to understand the depression behind the act- I've been extremely blessed in this life with never really having to deal with depression... therefore, I can't begin to understand or judge it. Still, I was strangely, but, joyfully overwhelmed when on the day of his death, hundreds of my friends and students posted about this single man, who's loss they felt directly. How amazing that we can collectively mourn the loss of someone 99% of us have not met personally. How beautiful that we allow our humanity to shine as we allow ourselves that grief.

But... the end of Tuesday arrived, and with it, my news feed began showing signs of the world's "second thoughts". Many posts on how "suicide is selfish" appeared, and alongside those, articles about how depression is a disease, and how ridiculous it is to blame those who commit suicide.

And it began. The division. It's always there. It breaks my heart...

An over-simplification is to say that some people appear to react to things from a fear base... others, from a place of optimism. I don't know how to get these folks to understand each other... I don't know that we can... but I see them judge and hurt each other. Those who are angry at much in the world see the optimists as the problem, as they believe the optimists are blind to the truth... the optimists get frustrated with the angry folks and often feel it is the negativity they push causing the problems.

I don't know who is right... and frankly, I don't care. I want to feel my sadness about Robin Williams' death. I want to be angry at my family members who chose to leave me. I want to forgive them. I want to understand.

I was very amused the end of the year when my youngest daughter started joking about all the hate and blame leveled at President Obama. We don't talk much about politics or religion in our house: we wish our children to develop their own beliefs... we "preach" kindness and education... they can take it from there. Still, when Kobie couldn't find a homework assignment she'd worked diligently on for hours, she said, "Ahhh! Obama must have taken it!" Then she laughed at herself for having misplaced it. She hears the division... at 14 she's aware of society's greatest struggle.

So as I continue to filter through the "we must save the children from ISIS" versus "these are not our people and this is not our war" posts... filter through the fear over Ebola in our country versus the people praising the medical personnel who have risked, and given their lives to help... as I filter through all this, I am continually trying to remind myself that we are all doing the best we can. We are all trying to do what we believe it right- even if we disagree on what is right... we are all working with our individual cards, making the best choices and creating opinions based on the information in front of us... but the best days... the best days are the ones when we unite. The ones when in the collective shock over a superstar's suicide, we all take a moment to acknowledge he MEANT something to us... together.

Why doesn't my brain understand I'm now OLD? (Or: "Pass the Fruit Loops please?")

When I was young, I distinctly remember being sure that "old" was when you reached 30. I remember being absolutely terrified of dying because I had so much I wanted to do in life. I'm now 46 years old, so I guess to my young self, I'm practically ancient... however, like most people I speak with about this, that 17 year old brain doesn't seem to understand it is older now. I still feel like ME. I don't feel like "old ME" (except for maybe the first 30 seconds after I get out of bed in the morning and have to stretch a bit...gah...)

The last three days have insisted I think about age: my age, other peoples' ages and how all of this aging stuff works. I have had Facebook discussions with a few friends (and even an ex-boyfriend) from my teen years in the last 3 days... all people I haven't verbally spoken with in about 25 years or more. Yet, when chatting online with them, I feel as if almost no time has passed. Yes, I am married and have kids now... big, grown kids. Yes, I have been a teacher for the last 16 years, and even though that is a huge part of my life, these folks don't know that part of me. Still, there is this direct cord that seems to connect me to the 18 year old I was- she is still in here. She has been very vocal lately as circumstances have made her notice her own existence in my 46-year-old-world.

Three days ago my mom and I started off on an adventure to see Rod Stewart (still not a fan as I think my mother bombarded my childhood with his music) and Santana play in Eugene, Oregon... those guys are old. I thought of them as old guys 25 years ago... and guess what? They are still old. However, the process of walking into the stadium made me feel REALLY young. I was surrounded by Baby Boomers- grey hair EVERYWHERE... I wasn't sure I met a minimum age requirement to even enter the building. But as I sat and watched, I noticed something: they don't think they are old anymore than my inner-self will let me think it. I really began noticing a few songs in when Carlos Santana told the audience to get up and dance... the Baby Boomers with their early arthritis, new knees and deepening wrinkles immediately followed orders. They ignored their old shells and danced... and I felt even younger. A bit later, this same crowd, as if to drive home some universal message, began scream-singing "Forever Young" with Stewart. When he launched into singing "If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy"... I could do little other than laugh. He was up there in tight pants dancing with a projection behind him of a quote he said years ago: "I don't want to be 50 and still singing about people wanting my body"... well the guy is 69 years old and still singing it- he acknowledged it was silly, but everyone of those Boomers loved it and sang it too... in fact, he dumped balloons all over the floor seating area and those 60 and 70 somethings played with the balloons until the show was over, then grabbed them to take home as a souvenir... do we ever really get old?

Our concert adventure continued last night when we attended a classical concert at the Britt Festival. I was definitely too young to be allowed in this concert- grey hair was gone and white hair was the norm. Still, the same rule of age applied... the music was old, but the 80 year old youngsters were out to party! One lady was in tie-dyed clothes from head to toe. The group swayed to the music and gave the 25 year old conductor and his orchestra a standing ovation that lasted for 4 curtain calls. These folks weren't home watching TV from their recliners- they had climbed a hill to listen to music they loved- they didn't know they are old... and I mean some of these folks were REALLY REALLY old... they just felt alive. My mom looked like a youngster in the group...

So... about aging: our bodies do it, but it seems for many of us, other than experience, our minds don't get it... and I've noticed I feel less-old in understanding this. I feel less-old in seeing the life of the folks I've encountered in the last few days... there is still so much living to do no matter how old we are...

(on a side note: next week I'm going to see Bruno Mars with my girls... I may be writing about how old I feel after that experience!)

To Weed or Not to Weed... That is the question.

So... needless to say, as a high school teacher, I have some strong feelings about the whole "legalizing marijuana" trend. Currently, I do not know how I would vote on a general legalization of weed the likes of the Colorado legislation... I do not know because the issue is not only complicated, but like many hot topic issues, each side throws the extreme or ridiculous examples out to prove their points. So... for those of you who are seeing this trend in our world and considering "all sides"... I guess this is for you? Or for me to sort out how I feel? Guess we'll see...

First of all, I've always been confused by our country's devout allegiance to alcohol (especially given its well-known downfalls) in the face of its "anti-weed" policies. Have you ever been around an alcoholic? They can be extremely scary... when they drive drunk they seem to think they are in a race to win and everyone else on the road is an enemy... In fact, over 10,000 people died in drunk driving accidents last year (about 31% of car related deaths)... yikes. I've always joked that I'd prefer to be on the road with a bunch of stoners... they aren't out to race- they aren't pissed off- they are just enjoying the scenery... but last year about 12% of car accident related deaths were due to weed (and it is only now legal in 2 states- not counting medical usage). Huh. That doesn't seem promising. But- some of the medical uses of the drug are priceless, amazing, and simply important. The apparent hypocrisy of a legal system that allows for prescription narcotics, alcohol and cigarettes while outlawing marijuana needs to be addressed...

Still, my biggest problem is what I see in the teen population usage. I should qualify this by saying these are simply my observations, discussed and agreed upon with other teachers, but still, my non-scientific observations: Kids who avoid "altering" their brains through alcohol or weed tend to do much better getting through school and either going on to college or a secure job. Teens who indulge in alcohol don't do as well, but generally make it through school, graduate and move onto college or jobs... very few of them come to school drunk (yes, of course it does happen, but it is rare)... so while they are in the learning environment they might be fighting hangovers, but most of them are pretty lucid.

HOWEVER... the stoners can be a sad crowd. As teachers we tend to like these kids- they are mellow, sweet, and get along with most kids (doesn't sound sad does it?) But smoking in school diminishes a kid's chance of successfully completing high school drastically. DRASTICALLY. Marijuana is often in the systems of students while they are in school... and those poor, sweet kids aren't learning much of anything, and certainly aren't doing homework. The drug doesn't just mellow them- it tends to take away all their motivation. Most of our dropouts are "pot-heads"... I recognize this has many possible reasons- maybe that students didn't achieve much in school, and THEN began using... who knows... but there is a relation between the two... and I find it painful when a kid stops caring about his or her own future. Certainly, this is a generalization, and there are users who manage the system well, but so many of the kids don't seem able to make choices when high that will move them toward actually graduating.

The beginning of the year, I point out the dragonfly kite-thing I have hanging in my room. I warn students that when I pull the string attached to it, and it appears to "fly" it is very difficult for the stoners to look away. I then show them how it flies. The funny part of this is that as teens (big kids) none of them can look away from it... it is mesmerizing. The stoners however, heeding my warning, immediately look away. Busted.

I still don't know how I feel about legalizing it for recreational use. There are so many arguments- but whatever we, as a society choose to do on this issue, we have to be careful with our kids. The teenagers look like adults, but their brains are still developing... and they learn from our examples.

Coca-Cola, Maleficent, cleverness, the morning news and a tablespoon of hope!

Some people are simply ridiculously clever. Seriously. They actually make me feel bad about myself, and frankly, I'm somewhat clever myself (necessity for my job!). In the last few days, it feels as if the world has been insisting I take note of the brilliance of humans... not just their intelligence, but our capacity for creativity.

Have you seen the new Coke campaign? Someone at the Coca-Cola headquarters said, "Hey... what if we put names on the bottles... 'Share this Coke with John' or 'Share this Coke with Sara'"... the timing on this couldn't be better... in the midst of the "selfie" craze (does anyone actually know the correct spelling of that word by the way?) what the Coke folks have done is create an ad campaign that actually generates more ad campaigns... I go to the store and see a bottle that has a name on it of someone I know. I buy it. I take a selfie with the bottle and upload the picture to my social media websites... boom. They put a name on the bottle, and I just gave them an audience of over 1000 people looking at me drinking their product. But it gets better! I tag that friend (who's name is on the bottle) and it appears on her page, and all of her friends see it... then maybe she thinks it is cool, and does the same when she sees a bottle. Simple. Brilliant. The Coke people are using the greatest fad of the moment to sell their stuff... yes, it is terrible for you, but really? How much fun is this?

In other "clever news"... I went to see the film Maleficent a couple of days ago. As a kid raised on Disney, I was initially shocked to see a cute-wide-eyed-sweet child with the name of one of the worst Disney villains (because come on... who curses a BABY???). Still, I watched, and was enchanted by a story that explained why the horn-sporting-black-cloak-donning-blood-red-lipstick-wearing super villain was so mean. Some clever writer got to the heart of what I keep trying to teach my kids... people are not "bad"... they behave badly out of fear or ignorance or pain... and the movie showed that- demonstrated her pain and fear and allowed a flat character of my childhood to become a multifaceted human. Humans are cool. Humans have depth and goodness and make mistakes and yet are AMAZINGLY clever.

This is a picture of little Maleficent making a friend...

So... in the news this morning there is horror, chaos, hatred, war and a downed airplane with hundreds of passengers who died... and here I am... saddened, but hopeful. Hopeful because we are so clever... hopeful because we all have a story and when we understand that, we can help each other feel less pain and fear... and our collective cleverness might just be strong enough to make this world a better place. (Imagine a heart shaped emoticon here.. I'm just not clever enough to know how to get one into the blog)...

Old stuff, new stuff, sushi and Bob Dylan...

I've been thinking about old things, new things and my attachment to each. I like old wooden furniture; I like antique dishes and teacups; I like old photos where people are smiling, but not the creepy ones where they all look like they are attending their own funerals... eek.I like old books (wayyyyy too much), old table-clothes without stains, old suitcases, old friends who knew me before I was a grown-up, old-fashioned candy (but not old candy- uhh...yuck), old theaters, antique clothing, old doo-wop music and I LOVE my old vinyl albums.

Still, I'm not one to just sit in the past... I like new music: Mumford and Sons, Imagine Dragons, Florence and the Machine... and so many more. I like our new "smart" TV... a lot. I like my "new" town far more than the town in which I was raised (sorry Irvine...). I like technology. I LOVE my kids... and they are definitely "new" relatively speaking. I like the new trends in our world toward acceptance and equality. I like my new friends who make me try new things- like sushi! (Please understand, I've had 46 years of REALLY disliking fish in general. Tuna sandwiches are acceptable on rare occasions, but fish, generally tastes FISHY. Never understood why you people like that stuff...) Yes, my new friends, because they are new have the power to make me try new things... because sometimes when you are with newer friends, you don't want to sound like a 5 year old who refuses to try stuff. Sushi? Really? It had to be sushi... fine. I'll be darned if I didn't love the stuff on the first try. New is good too.

But what I have recently realized is that the coolest stuff (with the exception of my kids of course, who are the coolest stuff in my world) seems to be old things that are somehow made new, or new things that have roots in the "old". For instance: I bought an old album today- a Bob Dylan classic. I hate to admit I hadn't ever heard it before. I listened to it, loved it, and it was NEW music in my world. Yet this "new" thing to our world called "blogging" is really just a form of a diary entry, or an open letter to the world. In a day and age where we mostly wish to communicate information on YouTube (which I liked until it got to the point where NOTHING loads)I like the idea that I can write my thoughts- old school style... in full sentences... just words- and the newness of online blogs reminds me of a world when we wrote each other letters... sent them in the mail and waited a month for a response.

I think it might be time to "rediscover" the lost art of letter writing... let's make new the old art of that communication... who's in?

Taco Tuesdays and a bit of philosophical rambling... (or "Would you like some cilantro with that tradition?")

You know those events, days, things, meals...whatever we look forward to because we've done it many times before? I am a bit of a tradition junkie... and I struggle when the people around me decide they are sort of "done" with one of our traditions. Some people thrive on new experiences, and granted, I love those too, but there is something so wonderfully comforting in revisiting a "tradition"... I honestly believe they are incredibly good for us as well: anchors in our chaotic lives- strongholds in our weakened psyches- moments we can count on as "good", "happy" or even "fun"... otherwise why would we choose to visit them time and again?

Today I went shopping for "Taco Tuesday"... this is certainly not a tradition we made up, but about 5 years ago, before my eldest daughter could drive, we created our own version of it. It is simple: kids, tacos, soda, dessert, parental supervision, and whatever else comes up... sometimes it is a movie, sometimes a game of Apples to Apples... and sometimes a rousing competition at "Just Dance" on the wii. My kids invite whomever they wish... and we eat until the food is gone... talk until we are tired... and start looking forward to doing it again the next week. For us, this happens only in the summer, as during the school year, my teaching schedule tends to limit my desire to spend MORE time with a house full of teenagers... but we sneak a few in.

The silly tradition has taught me much... first of all: teenagers LIKE to be invited over to homes and fed (not exactly the light bulb of the century, but hold on...)- and they LIKE to be given options of hanging out with friends in a healthy environment. I have learned to listen better to them: Brian S. came to one of the Tuesdays years ago and said, "hey... where's the cilantro?" I could have ignored him and thought him rude for asking for what was not on the table, but instead, in a moment of lucidity, I asked him about it. His family always uses fresh cilantro on tacos... so the next week, I bought some, tried it, loved it, and it became part of our tradition. In fact, we, as a family now always have fresh cilantro on the table for tacos (and we eat a lot of tacos... maybe my Southern California upbringing, but I LOVE them!)

And so what? So... I think this is a metaphor for our lives... we try things we like again and again... we modify them based on bad experiences, feedback, others' ideas and our own experience. We make our traditions better... but don't we do the same with our lives and ourselves? We come back to what we like about ourselves again and again... we listen to the feedback/criticism of others, try it, digest it, and decide whether or not we will allow it to become part of us. In this way, we must make ourselves listen... listen to the world around us... listen to others... but most of all listen to our inner voice- we know what makes us better.